THE SYSTOCRAT PAPERS

Fellow Systocrats,

Since the first Sarah Palin interview with Charlie Gibson aired on ABC News last week, the Systocracy.com newsroom has been inundated with requests to go beyond the mainstream media's shallow, superficial coverage and provide some meaningful analysis.  Accordingly, here's the official TSP take on what went down, including the unspoken but obvious "subtext" of the interview. 

GIBSON: Let’s just cut right to the chase.  We all want to know how somebody like you, who doesn’t know squat about any of the issues facing this country, could possibly have the cohones, the hubris to even suggest that she has the experience to be veep or president of the U.S.

PALIN: I AM ready, Charlie.  Well, so far as I know, anyway.  Okay . . . tell you the truth, I really have no idea what the vice president does.  But I sure do pack ‘em in on the campaign trail.  Must be the new shades.  By the way Charlie, I think it’s inappropriate for you to be ogling my legs like that during this interview . . .

GIBSON: Um, you’re wearing a skirt above your knees.  You don’t really expect me to take you seriously, do you?  Hillary would have NEVER shown up for an interview dressed like that.  Listen, you want respect, wear a damn pantsuit.  Got it? 

PALIN: Yeah, well Hillary doesn’t have legs like these either.  Gotta have strong legs to shoot wolves from helicopters. 

GIBSON: What???

PALIN: If you’re not from Alaska, you’ll never understand.  Let’s move on.

GIBSON: Are you nervous about this interview?  You look nervous . . .

PALIN: (Moving her head from side to side with a finger in the air).  I look hot!  Paris Hilton’s got nothing on me!  By the way, how’s her presidential campaign going? 

GIBSON: (Looking down at his notes to hide his laughter).  Um, right.  Now, when I asked John McCain about your national security credentials . . .

PALIN: CHARLIE!!!!!!!  (Gibson pauses mid-sentence, dropping his notes).

GIBSON: What?  WHAT????

PALIN: (Collecting herself).  Um, sorry.  They told me to repeat your name as often as possible.  Look, I’m just trying to do a good job here . . . .

GIBSON: Whatever.  As I was saying, McCain cited the fact that you have commanded the Alaskan National Guard and that Alaska is close to Russia. 

PALIN: Well, I can see the Russian coast from Alaska, which by itself is enough to give anyone a comprehensive understanding of Russo-U.S. relations.  Other than that, I really don’t know anything about national security, so lets talk about energy independence . . .

GIBSON: Energy doesn’t have a damn thing to do with national security.

PALIN: (Sigh).  You’re right, but I haven’t finished the prep course on national security yet, so they told me to talk about energy independence instead.  Is that okay? 

GIBSON: Fine with me, so long as our t.v. audience understands that you don’t know a goddamn thing about national security.  Okay, let’s try a subject that you presumably do know something about – religion.  You said recently, in your old church, "Our national leaders are sending U.S. soldiers on a task that is from God." Are we fighting a holy war?

PALIN: I couldn’t have possibly said something so dangerously revealing abouy my religious beliefs.  You MUST have that wrong, Charlie.

GIBSON: (Leaning forward in his chair). Ridiculous woman, I have an army of fact-checkers at my disposal.  Those are your exact words – you can believe that! 

PALIN: Okay, you got me.  But the reference there is a repeat of Abraham Lincoln's words when he said . . . let us not pray that God is on our side in a war or any other time, but let us pray that we are on God's side.

That's what that comment was all about, Charlie. And I do believe, though, that this war against extreme Islamic terrorists is the right thing. It's an unfortunate thing, because war is hell and I hate war, and, Charlie, today is the day that I send my first born, my son, my teenage son overseas with his Stryker brigade, 4,000 other wonderful American men and women, to fight for our country, for democracy, for our freedoms.

Charlie, those are freedoms that too many of us just take for granted. I hate war and I want to see war ended. We end war when we see victory, and we do see victory in sight in Iraq.

GIBSON: Interesting.  Aside from the remarks about your son, quite frankly I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I do need to move this along.  Now you do realize, of course, that the Iraqis had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11, right? 

PALIN: (Long pause).  But the weapons of mass destruction . . . .

GIBSON: Yeah, we never did find those.  (Uncomfortable silence). 

PALIN: (Staring into space with a stunned look on her face).  Uh, wow. 

GIBSON:  (Disbelievingly) okaay . . . well anyway, you also said that "There is a plan and it is God's plan."

PALIN: I believe that there is a plan for this world and that plan for this world is for good . . . .

GIBSON: Oh.  Well, great.  So you are sending your son on a task that is from God, right?

PALIN: I don't know if the task is from God, Charlie.

GIBSON: Wait a minute.  I just quoted you as saying that the troops are on a task from God.  Now you’re telling me they’re not? 

PALIN: Err, um . . . .I need to chat with my handlers over a mooseburger.  Can we break for lunch? 

GIBSON: No.  Now, although we’ve already established that you aren’t prepared to anwer even the simplest national security questions, my producers want me to hammer you on this stuff to boost ratings.  Hmmm . . . . let's talk about Russia and Georgia, because they are near here, and as you’ve said, that does make a difference.  

The administration has said we've got to maintain the territorial integrity of Georgia. Do you believe the United States should try to restore Georgian sovereignty over South Ossetia and Abkhazia?

PALIN: First off, we're going to continue good relations with Saakashvili there. I was able to speak with him the other day and giving him my commitment, as John McCain's running mate . . .

GIBSON: Okay, well, you understand that you sound absolutely ridiculous when you say you spoke with Saakashvili, right?  I hope you didn’t embarrass yourself. 

PALIN: Old man, please – and stop looking at my legs!  (Crossing and recrossing her legs).  Getting back to your comment, let me tell you something - I know how to deal with those Russians.  As I’ve stated, just being near Russia provides the necessary insight into their internal affairs. (Palin leans forward conversationally).  You know, on a clear day, you can actually pick off a Ruskie or two from a certain island in Alaska, provided you have the right equipment and conditions.  You know, high powered rifle, scope, not too much wind.  Not as sporting as shooting wildlife from a helicopter, but . . .

GIBSON: What possible relevance does any of this have to the conflict between Russia and Georgia?

PALIN: Okay, well I really don’t know much about that topic either, but I’m supposed to talk about the Cold War . . .

GIBSON: The Cold War?  Excuse me, but I have 1981 on the line for you – they want their political terminology back.  (Shuffling papers).  Anyway, under the NATO treaty, wouldn't we then have to go to war if Russia went into Georgia?

PALIN: Perhaps so. I mean, that is the agreement when you are a NATO ally, is if another country is attacked, you're going to be expected to be called upon and help. 

GIBSON: That is absolutely bananas.  No administration in its right mind is going to initiate a war with Russia over Georgia.  What about Iran?  Do you consider a nuclear Iran to be an existential threat to Israel?

PALIN: Um . . . existential . . . um . . .

GIBSON: Right, small words, sorry.  What should we do about a nuclear Iran?

PALIN: We have got to make sure that these weapons of mass destruction, that nuclear weapons are not given to those hands of Ahmadinejad, not that he would use them, but that he would allow terrorists to be able to use them. So we have got to put the pressure on Iran and we have got to count on our allies to help us, diplomatic pressure.

GIBSON: Yeah, well, as you ought to know, we’ve been threatening them for a long time, but it hasn’t worked.  What if Israel decided it felt threatened and needed to take out the Iranian nuclear facilities?

PALIN: Here’s the only talking point that I can remember about Israel: “we are friends with Israel and I don't think that we should second guess the measures that Israel has to take to defend themselves and for their security.”

GIBSON: So if we wouldn't second guess it and they decided they needed to do it because Iran was an existential threat, we would cooperative or agree with that.

PALIN: Here’s the only talking point that I can remember about Israel: “we are friends with Israel and I don't think that we should second guess the measures that Israel has to take to defend themselves and for their security.”

GIBSON: So if it felt necessary, if it felt the need to defend itself by taking out Iranian nuclear facilities, that would be all right.

PALIN: Here’s the only talking point that I can remember about Israel: “we are friends with Israel and I don't think that we should second guess the measures that Israel has to take to defend themselves and for their security.”   

GIBSON: Do you agree with the Bush doctrine?

PALIN: You mean what he stands for?  His worldview?  Of course!!!  We both love Jesus!  And I like a good barbeque as much as the next gal.  (Nods as if remembering something).  Oh, and being on vacation.  Love that, just like my buddy Duyba.  Just listen to both of us say the word “nucular” and you’ll know that we’re on the same page.  (Slaps her knee in satisfaction). 

GIBSON: Well, ah, no.  I’m talking about the Bush doctrine, enunciated September 2002, before the Iraq war.

PALIN: Still don’t know what the hell you’re talking about Charlie.  Now I can blather on for a minute or two about nothing in particular, or you can throw me a bone here . . .

GIBSON: The Bush doctrine, as I understand it, is that we have the right of anticipatory self-defense, that we have the right to a preemptive strike against any other country that we think is going to attack us. Do you agree with that?

PALIN: I agree that a president's job, when they swear in their oath to uphold our Constitution, their top priority is to defend the United States of America.

I know that John McCain will do that and I, as his vice president, families we are blessed with that vote of the American people and are elected to serve and are sworn in on January 20, that will be our top priority is to defend the American people.

GIBSON: Since your answer has nothing whatsoever to do with my question, I’m going to assume that you didn’t understand it.  (Speaking to someone off-camera)  Can we get an interpreter in here, pronto?  Someone who speaks PALINESE!!!!  (Turning back to Palin).  Let’s try this one more time.  Do we have a right to anticipatory self-defense? Do we have a right to make a preemptive strike again another country if we feel that country might strike us?

PALIN: Charlie, if there is legitimate and enough intelligence that tells us that a strike is imminent against American people, we have every right to defend our country. In fact, the president has the obligation, the duty to defend. 

GIBSON: The obligation???  Sounds crazy to me.  Do we really have the right to be making cross-border attacks into Pakistan from Afghanistan, with or without the approval of the Pakistani government?

PALIN: In order to stop Islamic extremists, those terrorists who would seek to destroy America and our allies, we must do whatever it takes and we must not blink, Charlie, in making those tough decisions of where we go and even who we target.  It’s just like moose hunting, Charlie.  (Palin raises her arms as if aiming a rifle).  Now, when you’ve got that bugger in your sights . . . .

GIBSON: I got lost in a blizzard of words there. Is that a yes? That you think we have the right to go across the border with or without the approval of the Pakistani government, to go after terrorists who are in the Waziristan area?

PALIN: Absolutely.  When you receive a task from God, you can do whatever you need to do. 

GIBSON: But I thought you said . . . .

PALIN: Just let it go, Charlie.  Just let it go.