The VP Debate Pregame Show - Part 1!!
TD: On behalf of TSP TV, welcome to the official Systocrat vice presidential debate pregame show! Let's send you directly to our host, Howard Cosell. Howard?
Cosell: (In deliberate Cosell-speak) Thank you, Tee Dee, and WELCOME to the OFFICIAL . . . VP PRE-GAME SHOW!!!!
The importance of this debate cannot be overestimated for either of these campaigns. Representing the pachyderm party, Sarah Palin, the winsome, if somewhat empty headed governor of Alaska who hit the campaign trail with a roar, but who has recently proven unable to field even the simplest of questions in televised interviews. With her approval rating down over twenty points in the last two weeks, conservatives are calling for her removal from the ticket before this debate, as a necessary step to avoid what they, and many others, consider certain doom for the GOP if Palin is exposed to the withering spotlight that IS an internationally televised presidential debate.
Nor is this debate free from peril for the number two man on the Democratic ticket, Joseph Biden, who, along with his running mate Obama, will carry a significant nationwide polling advantage into this debate. When Biden was announced, pundits around the country, including those regularly featured on this network, expressed the view that Biden is a loquacious, gaffe-prone bumbler who always has one foot in his mouth. Fortunately for the jackass party, Biden's epic gaffes on the campaign trail have been overshadowed by Palin's demonstrated and historic lack of qualifications.
Let's check in with both camps. First, let's send you to John McCain's ranch in Arizona, where Sarah Palin is busy preparing for the debate with . . . . with . . . . is that YOU, Mr. President?
Large studio monitor shows Palin and Bill Clinton sitting at a table piled 
high with books and papers. Their heads are together, and Clinton has his arm around Palin, which he quickly removes as soon as he realizes the cameras are rolling.
Clinton: (Uncomfortably) Uh, hey Howard.
Palin: PUTIN BAILOUT ENERGY SIXPACK COMMISSION WAR GOD TROOPS LEADERSHIP TROOPERGATE. HOWARD!! (Dazed smile and wave).
Clinton: Uh, you'll have to excuse her - she's been studying for four days straight. (Leans over and . . . claps his hands in front of Palin's face!).
Palin (with a start): Where am I?
Clinton (pats Palin on the head): Don't you worry your pretty little head about that now. . . (Dazed look returns to Palin's face).
Cosell: EXCUSE ME, Mr. President! You've pledged your support to Barack Obama! What on earth are you doing helping Governor Palin prepare for this historic debate?
Clinton: Well shucks, Howard, I've always said that Governor Palin is an instinctually effective candidate with a compelling story. Hell, she's pretty cute too. (Down home chuckle).
Cosell: This is a SHOCKING development. SHOCKING! Mr. President, where is your wife, Senator Hillary Clinton tonight? Is she out campaigning for Senator Obama?
Clinton: (Under his breath) Not likely . . . (Into the camera with hands outstretched). OF COURSE SHE IS! We just LOVE Senator Obama!
Palin (waving smelling salts under her own nose and then turning to face Bill): Excuse me, but I think Howard is here to interview ME, the savior of the Republican Party! (Turns back to camera). Now, after the PALIN/MCCAIN ticket is elected, it's very important when you consider even that is what American needs today - that's more than a lot of senators and representatives did for us . . .
Cosell: What? Bill, what did she just say?
Palin: (takes another healthy snort from the smelling salts and shakes her head vigorously . . . ). Yeah, well Bill told me a few minutes ago that supporting John and I is the best way to ensure that Hillary can run again in 2012 . . .
Clinton & Cosell together: WHAT????
Palin: Well there is a danger in allowing the impact for opportunity to change it . . .
Clinton: (big, fake smile on his face): Don't speak honey, you'll ruin everything . . .
Palin: Don't condescend to me, you womanizing hillbilly! I'm no pop tart - I'm the governor of Alaska! And I AM very well informed - I read every single newspaper in the world every day!
Cosell: Specifically, which newspapers do you read?
Palin: IN WHAT RESPECT, Howard?
Bill: (Leans in and whispers to Palin) . . . uh, he wants you to name some actual newspapers. Just name any newspaper you can think of . . .
Palin: (Long, LONG pause . . . . . . . . ) Well, Howard, I'll have to get that information and I'll BRING IT TO YA!!!!
Clinton: This is HOPELESS! I'm outta here.
Clinton gets up to leave just as there is the sound of a door opening, followed by angry voices off camera and the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps. The camera pans left to reveal Clinton face to face with an angry John McCain . . .
McCain: (Growling) MY FRIEND, I thought I told you to stay away from my trophy girlfriend . . . uh, candidate!
Clinton: (voice rising) I don't sweat you, you old punk! Now that I'm standing here, why don't you tell that joke about Chelsea's father again? Awww yeah, Janet Reno is about to whup your ass!
McCain: It's on, bitch!!!
A brawl ensues as Palin looks on. TSP hastily switches back to Howard Cosell in the studio.
Cosell: AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK, STAY TUNED FOR PART II OF THE PREGAME SHOW, WHEN WE CHECK IN WITH SENATOR BIDEN!
STUDIO VOICE: This portion of the pregame show has been sponsored by the Sarah Palin Random Quote Generator!
