The VP Debate Pregame Show - Part 2!!
TD: Welcome to Part II of our VP Debate pregame show! Once again, our host, Howard Cosell. Howard?
Cosell (in deliberate Cosell-speak): Thank you, Tee Dee. Let's go live to Wilmington, Delaware, where Joe Biden is busy preparing for the debate.
Camera shows Biden in the film room, watching clips of Palin's debates in the 2006 Alaska gubernatorial race.
Cosell: Senator Biden, I presume?
Biden: Hey Howard! God love ya, how ya doin?
Cosell: Senator Biden, you have a well-deserved reputation as a gaffe machine. For example, at the beginning of your presidential campaign, you controversially described Senator Obama as "clean" and "articulate" . . .
Biden: And bright . . . don't forget bright . . .
Cosell: Right, and . . .
Biden: For a black man . . .
Cosell: I beg your pardon?
Biden: You know? A Negro? A brother? African American, well Halfrican, really . . .
Cosell: (Loudly clearing his throat to cut Biden off). Right. Now you've also said that Senator Clinton would make a better running mate than you . . .
Biden: Well, she would. Let's face it - I'm on the ticket because I'm an old white guy from Pennsylvania with white hair and a long resume. Hillary's actually a skilled politician, if somewhat of a selfish pain in the keister. Besides, I would personally love to watch Hillary kick Sarah Palin's ass in a debate. Quite frankly, I think the whole country would like to see that . . .
Cosell: EXCUSE ME - did you just call Senator Clinton a pain in the ass?
Biden: Well, if I did, I meant it in the best possible way. Look, she's an incredibly tenacious politician . . .
Cosell: You don't appear to be preparing for this debate, Senator. Is that because you don't respect your opponent?
Biden: Well, I'm certainly not going to say anything condescending about Governor Palin - that would be a gaffe of epic proportions!!
Cosell: What do you think about her qualifications to be vice president?
Biden: QUALIFICATIONS? WHAT QUALIFICATIONS? She's the most SPECTACULARLY UNQUALIFIED candidate in the history of the United States! Did you see those Katie Couric interviews? Personally, I think it's a disgrace that she's even on the ticket. It's a good thing the Republicans don't have a real VP candidate, otherwise I'd have to waste a buttload of time preparing like this was a REAL debate . . .
Cosell: Not exactly the most flattering remarks . . .
Biden (looking off-camera): Hey, is Steven Hawking part of your camera crew? Steven, stand up and get over here!
Cosell: Uh, he can't walk, Joe.
Biden (nodding slowly, thinking). Right, right. I guess that explains the wheelchair . . .
Cosell: Okay, so getting back to politics, what's your strategy for this debate with Governor Palin? Are you going to treat her differently because she's a woman?
Biden: Absolutely not! I mean, look, Palin's a smart lady, and I've debated plenty of smart women, like Hillary, for example. Besides, she's a lot like my wife, Jill Biden.
Cosell: Smart, you mean? I know that Jill Biden has a doctorate in education . . .
Biden: Yes, smart. AND DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!! But that doesn't bother me. I know how to debate smart, gorgeous women. And I love my wife - the fact that she has her doctorate doesn't bother me at all . . .I'm not threatened in the slightest by the fact that she's clearly smarter than I am.
Cosell: Yeah, well, I can see that . . .
Biden: Is there anything else, Howard? I need to get one of my interns of Indian descent to go down to 7-11 and grab me a coffee.
Cosell: Well, now that you've offended educated women, African Americans, people with a mixed-race background, disabled persons, people of Indian descent, Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, Steven Hawking, conservative voters, pit bulls with or without lipstick and hockey moms, I suppose this is a decent time to terminate the interview. Sure you don't want to take a stab at alienating Catholics while the cameras are still rolling? After all, they're a relatively small voting bloc - only 47 million or so . . .
Biden: I would NEVER alienate Catholics - after all, I am Catholic. By the way, I'm still pro-choice. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take communion before my coffee arrives.
Cosell: Thank you, Senator Biden. (Turns to camera).
THAT CONCLUDES TSP'S PREGAME COVERAGE OF THE VP DEBATE! PLEASE TUNE IN AFTER THE DEBATE FOR TSP'S POSTGAME ANALYSIS!
READ PART I OF TSP'S PREGAME COVERAGE OF THE VP DEBATE!
Political Cartoon by John Klossner.
